when the lights go off, what would i do?
I'm afraid.
afraid to face my new semester.
afraid to face Heenim's enlistment.
afraid to face Jungsoo's enlistment.
afraid to face Hyukjae's breakdown.
I can handle anything, anything but not Hyukjae's breakdown.
not when he's at his weakest point. not when he literally shuts everybody out. even his own band members.
I've been through a very....traumatizing incident last year when I started freaking out over his sad expression.
His angry/sad/depressed face, it breaks my heart so badly I just can't.
those reading this would probably think that I am exaggerating. maybe I am.
but you would never know how I feel.
have you ever felt so weak when you see the person you love, portraying an expression of pain and when they begin shutting out everybody close to them?
that's how I am with Hyukjae. he's my biggest weakness. everything about him affects me.
I don't know why. I can't explain. It might be a phase I'm going through with my obsession for my idol, but aren't idols human too? they are just like us. the only difference is that they do not know of us fans, whom worries and gets paranoid over them.
every time I witness the sad hyukjae, I cry. it's just so hard to see him being gloomy and just, not himself.
I try, I really did try. I tried not to breakdown at the thought of Heenim's enlistment. Because it is an obligation of every men in Korea. They will eventually enlist. It's just that, everything happened so fast.
3 years ago, I never thought I would become emotionally affected by an interest.
I've never thought of loving boygroups this much. I really don't.
And now the thought of having to go through their enlistment..............I can't. It takes time.
This is even harder than graduation and leaving my high school for new adventures.
It's harder than facing new challenges in college. And I can't let go of this fandom just yet. I'm not ready.
And college gets tougher each semester.
The past semesters, I've fallen sick in 3 semesters out of the 4. It's not easy, trying to balance my life with studies, socializing, researching and fangirling.
being human is tough. sometimes, I wish I was an animal. Even animals act better than humans.
and I would really wish, that people would stop asking me to grow up and stop being such a fanatic over this fandom. I will get out of this fandom when I am ready so please do not tell me what to do. If you say we have no topics to talk about, then god damn it, just ask me about my life. it's not that difficult. updating each other's life is not a hard thing to do. just because we don't share the interest it doesn't mean we can't communicate.