I want to leave Malaysia. I want to change my identity. I want to be somebody else. I want to go to a new country, start a new life, be a whole new person with different name and yeah, just dump everything in Malaysia. Nothing is worthy in my country anymore. Nothing. Not the fucked up humans and that is only referring to the humans around me, I haven even go to the level of society. The transport system is as lousy as the ones with great powers, the economic is horrible and no, I rather live in Thailand than in Malaysia.
You know what turns me off? Revision. And as much as I hate revising, I need to. Failing in college is not an option, it's a definite NO-NO. After having your brain drained for about 3-4 hours of reading and such, I got lectured for something that has absolutely nothing related to me, at all. Yeah and then some people decided to bombard me with their sarcasm. Excuse me, I never asked to be a target. If you think it's fun to use sarcasm when I am being serious, you can just tell me to keep it to myself. I won't be bothering you anymore. Hypocrite will always be a hypocrite, and that's coming from a true hypocrite like myself.
I never understand why people never get my opinions. It was just a mere opinion, I was just sharing. I'm not even implementing or incepting my opinion into your perception. But somehow my opinion are often misunderstand. I am going to shut myself of my social life for now. I rather not get sarcasms or retorts as a daily bombardment. I am assuming that people always hate me. Well, I doubt people really like me. I'm not worthy of anybody. Never was, never will. I apologize for those who suffered my wrath. It wasn't intentional really, I just exploded. I had too much in me, so I needed to let go.
Since people aren't even bothered about me, I am really thinking of deleting everything related to my social life. Maybe I should shut myself of the social life and just be a good person, study hard, stop fantasizing, do more good deeds like volunteering and just spend my life trying to avoid from committing sins. That could do good for my soul. Stop thinking about everything and start thinking about what I can do for the world. Maybe I should go become a nun.
But there is something I want to express. Sometimes, not everything is about you. You should try accepting other people's opinion. I get it that you have your own opinion and you stand strong for it, but what gives you the right to insult mine? Not everyone thinks alike. And I guess that is why we don't connect, in any sense at all. I even wonder if you understand what I've been saying all these years or maybe you're just hearing it. Shallow minded people are forever pathetic in my eyes. I'm tired of saying all these craps. This should be the last one. I give up trying to be myself with you. I give up trying to let you see other wonderful things in life. I give up trying to act as a friend. I'm done with it. This will be the last time. You have just reached the limit of my patience. You screwed it up. I gave you more than second chances but in the end, you never appreciate. It's tiring trying to put up an act. Being hypocrite has it's limit too. And I am tired of acting.
I hate it when my emotions goes out of control. It makes me a much more worthless person in people's eyes. It's not nice feeling all the negative energy both physically and mentally. It drains me out, feeling weak and unguarded. Sometimes, being human just isn't easy. If I were given a chance, I'd pick to be an animal really. At least, I wouldn't be abusing my intelligence or bringing sufferings to others. It would only be the matter of surviving and challenges.
Now the main question, how much more can I take in after this blow? And to think that this is only the beginning, really it's not fun at all. I really want to just get out of this place. Anywhere but here. The only thing keeps me going at such point are the ones around the world. They are the ones keeping me strong. I will live better as long as they are around. Heck it, I will try my best for them. You might think it's stupid, childish and ridiculous but you are not me. You will never understand how it feels to have great friends around the world, caring and cheering you up whenever you are down. No, not even the ones beside you does that but yet, those that are miles away are doing so. Such simple act yet it creates a whole new level of friendship. I would proudly say that I appreciate my friendship with those I met through the internet. I really treasure certain people in my life, but some I really want to just throw them out of my life. It's a burden keeping them. My shoulders are getting tired trying to carry one's pathetic value. I am human after all. There's only so much I can take it within me.
Tiffany Lee is no longer the same, that's for sure. She is feeling numb with everything. And this is definitely not the last of it. It's only the beginning of everything.
