raise your hands if you catch me, halo
raise your hands if you envy me, halo, halo halo halo halo
yes i know i've abandoned my poor blog for a month.
not that i am dead really. i just couldn't be bothered.
it's not like anyone reads this blog anyway.
so in about another 5 hours i have my last paper and term 4 ends!
gonna celebrate with mah bbs fie, ying and veeni :)
i also had a blast, meeting up with laura dixxon lizzy and veeni.
went to korea town, lepak, makan then went to pavillion and lepak more.
can't believe we danced and sang in a bookstore. that is so mature of us.
but hey, i love troll club. florence couldn't join last minute ㅠㅠ
anyway, updating on my life for people who actually cares.
i'm living very well if you are wondering.
i'm having a great time as long as i talk to people i care and actually cares for me.
it's fun, going out for once and just be yourself with people who don't judge you.
and yes, i do miss some of my friends but i doubt they give a fuck about my existence.
and if those people ever try judging people that i mix with.....gtfo of my life.
i don't need you judging whom i chose to have fun with.
i'll be honest with anyone who reads my blog.
yes, i may sound like a boastful ignorant and arrogant bitch to you even if you don't know me personally.
but i personally believe i am a good friend. whoever that is my friend, i care for them a lot.
if you're closer to me, i consider you my family. so it sucks if my friends don't notice my existence or appreciate my friendship with them. i may come out to you as a worthless and cold-heart person but if you actually take time to know me and get close to me, you would eventually know that i don't ditch my friends, EVER unless circumstances calls for a ditching.
i am human too. i have feelings. do you know the feeling when you need someone to be there for you but they aren't? and those who can't be there for you would be the ones who is trying to be there for you, making you strong when you are at your weakest point?
i like being there for my friends. i like making them happy. i like seeing them smile and always cheerful. i hate seeing when my friends is down, when they get bullied or when they are weak. i really don't care if i'm not the one making them happy but all i want is to be there for them and support them through their hardship. it is that hard for a friend to open up to me and accept me as their friend too?
sometimes, i do think a lot upon who are the ones that would eventually shed a tear if i actually died.
and to be honest, besides my parents and grandmother, i think no one would shed a tear even if i am gone.
i haven been the nicest to everyone, i get it. i've done bad deeds, so maybe karma is out to get me.
i think i've lose contact with many of those whom i was once close with.
and yes, it hurts, to reminisce upon the times we had and now we seem to be strangers to each other.
most of the time, i think the main reason of why we grew apart from each other was mainly because i love kpop too much. partially, i do believe kpop has driven many friendships away from me. but i have a also gained more friends and met lovely peoples thanks to kpop. i really can't blame kpop as the main cause of my friendships growing apart.
my only solution is that, the lost friendships of mine are mainly because they have lost trust in me.
they think that i am not trustworthy anymore.....what have i ever done to deserve this.
if you want to know, i have never spread any of the secrets that was told to me. i don't spread them unless you yourself feels like spreading it out. so, why the fuck do i get all these shits thrown at my face?
another thing, i have a policy when it comes to socializing. if i like that person, should i really give up on building a friendship with them just because my other friends can't accept them? that's bullshit.
i've been thrown shits at my face like "why do you even mix with them, they are so......" ← this....do you even know how i felt when i got that thrown at my face? i can accept anything but having people i love being judged by another person i love. i've learn to stop judging, so why can't people try not to judge a book by it's cover?
i don't even know why i'm writing this ㅡㅡ;;
i just....need to let this out somewhere where people can read and now go reflect on how you treat your friends or how they treat you.
i'm not saying i'm the best friend to everyone, it's just that, i question myself a lot on what i have ever did to loose all those people that i was once close with. i don't believe that i back stab people. i just hide my real feelings and let them out where not everyone can read. is that called "backstabbing"? how is letting out my feelings consider backstabbing? i don't go around ruining people's reputation or life unless i have valid reasons. and most of the times, i don't want to point out a person's mistake because i'm trying to understand their feelings and be considerate but apparently it backfired and i ended up looking like the bitch in every friendship i've had.
so i hope anyone who reads this, would be kind to tell me if i've ever done any harm to you and point it out to my face. no, i don't fucking bite. i've grown up to accept criticism if you haven noticed. i may act like a 15 year old fangirl but i have a reasonable mind when it comes to accepting my own flaws.
i've also, apparently been told that i don't open up to my friends. well, if they never take the initiative to ask..what can i do? run to everyone i know and tell them how i feel? i'm not that kind of person to be so open with everyone. all i hope for is just a "feel better" or "be strong" or even a simple note that appeals to me that they care for me but sadly, i only get those from the people that i am deemed to be far apart from each other.
i can keep going on and on about this because i have many opinions on my friendships but i'll stop.
before i actually cry over how i see others can be nice with each other and i'm left out. it fucking hurts.
Ending this post with a gorgeous hyukjae ♥