as I try, it gets harder.

WARNING : NO BASHING OR WHAT SO EVER AFTER READING BECAUSE THIR POST IS ALL ABOUT ME. DARE SPAM & YOU'LL DIE. ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE. I'M MEAN, SUE ME.

All I can do is sigh, or cry. I would choose not to cry, but the tears would just start flowing down. So what can I do? I really don't know. It's frustrating you know sometimes. Life can be really unfair to me. Why is the outcome always like that?

I tried to live the way I'm supposed to live my life, but I can never catch up with it. It's hard. I seriously want to stop. Stop doing whatever I'm doing right now and just leave everything aside. Have some time and really start thinking. As much as I don't like the way I'm living my life, I have to endure it. I can try changing but it could really cause many differences.

I wanna run. Run as far as I can. Anywhere my feet will take me to. Avoiding is not the best solution. If I voice out, things may be for the better, but things turns out the opposite. I seriously don't know what I can do. The more I think, the harder it gets. So many things are running through my head right now. Emotions are always changing.

I've tried. Tried my best not to messed up or take the wrong moves. In the end, I screwed up. I'm practically screwing up my own life.

I'm not good in studies.
I'm not a good friend.
I am stubborn.
I have attitude problem.
I am a hypocrite.
I can never love.
I will never be loved.
I have issues.
I have no respect.
I am lazy.
I hurt people's feelings.
I don't think before I act.
I fantasize too much.
I crave for many things.
I am a failure in life.

I fail. I fail in everything I do. I can never succeed. No matter how much I try. It's impossible for me to achieve in life. With my attitude so bad, I shouldn't even be living in this world.

I've tried studying, but obviously books doesn't attract me. Living up to my brother's great result in studies is hard. You don't know the pressure given. He succeeds in studies really well. Ever since he was a kid. He never get below 10 in class. He never create problems at home. He's practically every parent's dream son you know. Good results, great personality, and the list goes on. As much as I always trash him infront of my friends, but I respect his achievements. I can never be like him. Nooo. I am not a person that succeeds in life.

Then, I tried being a girl. Act like a girl. Dress like a girl. Talk like a girl. In the end, I just am not a girl material. I know, my usage of vulgar words is inappropriate. As a girl, we should be speaking politely and have respects for other people. I don't. I talk like a guy. I dress like a guy. I walk like a guy. I even wish to be a guy. How pathetic am I? Yeah, I'm that low. Every guy friend I ever had, doesn't treat me like a girl. No, I'm like a guy to everyone. No one really treats me like a girl. So I tried, try dressing up like a girl but dresses,skirts and bags, make-ups and acsessories is not my thing. I don't like carrying handbags. I don't like walking in heels. I don't like wearing dresses. I don't like wearing make-ups. So, there goes my hope to be loved or admired by anyone. Yeah, it's my fault I guess.

Now, I try to be a good fan. I purchase their merchandise but I suck badly. I can't earn enough to purchase all of their things. My collection can never beat others. And I am selfish. So I get tensed up and fired up when I read news about them. For example, news like they are falling in love. I can't help it but to feel sad and angry right? I know I don't owned them. I can never own them. To them, I'm nothing. I don't even exist in their life. But to me, they seriously are everything. As much as I try to be happy for them because they deserve to be loved and to fall in love, but it hurts. Really bad. I don't even know why am I feeling that way when I read the news. I don't want to be selfish. No, I can't do anything. All I can do, is to let out everything. I don't want to let them go.

Next, I try to be a good friend. But there's bound to be fights everywhere. It is not easy to support everyone. Someone is bound to get hurt. So, I should be the one that is hurt rather than someone else right? It is better to be the one getting hurt than hurting others. Lying is never great in friendships. No, I don't trust anybody. As much as trust is concerned in a friendship, I don't have trust. Believe it or not, I trusted the wrong person once. And it hurt big time. I then realised, I live for myself, not my friends. So, if there's no trust in a friendship, I am not a good friend right? I tried being a good friend but sometimes, it ended up with me being the bad guy.

Hypocrite? Tell me who isn't one here and I'll personally take you as my god. Yes, I am hypocrite. But not all the time. Sometimes, the situation I am in made me. I have no choice but to do so. So again, I fail.

So, I am a failure. Big time failure. You guys don't really have to read this. It's just how I feel. To most of you, everything I said up there is correct right? I doubt anyone would not agree with the above statements.

I hate it when I am being compared. Parents, friends, guys, family, anyone likes to compare me with people around me. Do you know how it feels to live under people's shadows? Have you ever beeen insulted by people who you care about? I did.

Everytime, when I do one mistake, I would get compared. Why? Why must you all compare me with a person I am not? So I am not smart, girlish, polite, elegant and good. But that's me. Why can't everybody just accept me for who I am? Is it so hard to do so? If you people can't accept me that much, might as just send me away. Why not just adopt that person? Or get someone else to replace me?

My family, friends, best friends, every friend tends to like her more than me. If you guys like her so much, you can just drop me anytime, I wouldn't mind. I've always been alone. Anytime, anywhere, I'm always alone. No, I don't want to be a copycat. I have my own personalities and if that's not enough for you people then go ahead and ignore me all you want. I'm not good enough for anyone in this world anyway.

And once again, I cried. I cried when I read the cyworld thingy. I read the comments as well and it seriously made me hate myself more.

"for those who are against of having them a girlfriend don’t call your self a fan…you are so selfish.. this boys give us already happiness now it’s time to them to be happy…"

"If so I hope fans stop being so selfish"

"i wish fans or elfs would just give him space.
i want him to be happy, i dont want him having a 2nd thought that you know the whole music industry is too much.

please be considerate everyone"

Yesh, I am selfish. I shouldn't be a fan. I shouldn't be anything in this world. I know, I should be happy. But is it wrong to feel sad for just a little while?

What is wrong with me seriously? I am super emotional. Well, I have feelings too you know. Sometimes, I have to let it out I guess. And in this post, I've said everything I want to. Don't be frustated if you don't understand this post. I am just randomly typing out what I feel I guess. Sudden breakdown (:

Now, time to complain. Do you guys enjoy the weather today? I woke up early today and went out of the house. Everything was kinda blurr, so I thought I didn't wash my eyes properly but it turns out that it was the heavy haze -.-''
Yeah, I was training under the haze, bad for health *coughscoughscoughs*
So, you should know what I am gonna say so I should save it then.
Start saving earth. Stop pollution. Before earth dies.

COW, the depression in this post is getting to me. Let me post some pictures (:

Menatap indahnya senyuman di wajahmu.
Membuatku terdiam dan terpaku.
Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah.
Di saat kau peluk tubuhku.
Banyak kata, yang tak mampuku ungkapkan.
kepada dirimu.

Aku ingin engkau selalu.
Hadir & temani aku.
Di setiap langkah, yang menyakiniku.
Kau tercipta untukku.

Yesh, their smile is enough to make me smile (:

Concert love <3

I friggin want that volleyball!

Fellow Romeo(s).

Wheee~ I love them wearing hanboks!

Cute? I know (: *i can't find suju wearing them though T_T*

DONGBANGSUJU <3

EHB <3

Owh, the more I listen to Tercipta Untukku by Ungu, I cry more -.-'' Wtcow man.

I know I know, it's a long post. Sighs, if only I can dedicate this post to them ):

Okay, that's all for today. Mom is awake. If she finds me crying early in the morning infront of the computer she'll think I'm a mad cow -.-''
And not to forget, I'm watching Twilight half way when I just felt so emo till I did this post. Hahaha. Took me two hours to do it while crying and listening to emotional songs.

OWH, I would also like to give my mind to spammers. Like in my cousin's blog. Those stupid idiots spammed his chatbox just because he posted something mean to his ex-bitchy-girlfriend,Jolynn and no I'm not satisfied with their bashing.
Here's some comment. Read it backwards kayy? As in, from down to up. ^^

Annonymous: and to the girl bea, stop saying people is a ***** when you don't understand the story k? will you?
Annonymous: you are a childish guy from nowhere being childish, and whats the problem with you huh? why can't she link you up, is not even your blog, you can always stop viiewing her blog, stop threatening her !
Annonymous: you got no balls young man, how can you ****ing say a girl is a ***** where she gave you so chances to hold back the relationship, did you ****ing appreciate her? if she is a slut
Annonymous: shut up bel, of coz i know the story, so what you think you great?
unknown: idiot
unknown: some on la grow up, ur life dun revolve around a girl
unknown: not to mention i think dis things are getting kinda pathetic, jus cos u cant get da girl's attention u scold her all kinds of stuff etc etc
unknown: so ***** jus shut up too
unknown: well "bel" dis does not concern anyone but dis oso does not concern u
unknown: really cant stand to see ppl do such idiotic things
unknown: haihz...........
anti-TIFF N ADRIAN: both of u get a life la plzz..
Ahmad: PLS ASK HOW HE TREAT OTHERS BEFORE YOU EVER SCOLD SOMEONE!
Ahmad: why cant he leave her blog, iIF YOU SAY ADRIAN HAVE THE RIGHTS TO POST SOMETHING HE LIKES, WHT CANT OTHER PEOPLE LINK SOMEONE SHE LIKES, IF HE DO NOT LIKE PPL TO LINK HER, EASY! STOP READING HER BLOG
Ahmad: before u scold me please ask adrian how he treat people, how he threaten ppl, ask him how he hurt someone so badly untill she suffers everyday, and if u ask us to leave his blog
Adam: Ladies ladies...Tifaany and beatrice I believe your man Adrian is the balless ass here. He needs both you laies to help defend him. Tut tut.
Stephy: so even if you know that person ever since from birth please open your eyes to the truth
Stephy: they know what is happening
Stephy: so basically people are not "bashing" him up for any reason
Stephy: which in a way he does not treat very well
Stephy: and since you said that how he treats others is none of your concern i guess you are also trying to imply that you know how he treats others
Stephy: hey tiffany if you imply that people shouldnt spam in the cbox then why did he even make his blog public?
Stephy: wow really really heateed arguement

Owh, you have to read it backwards cause you know, it's cbox and yeah. Now, I damn kao boh song with that fucking ANTI-TIFF N ADRIAN. Wtfuck does he know? He don't even know anything and wanna come anti anti shit all. Then that AHMAD guy, he thinks he's so great just because he's not a big ass like my cousin? And that CIBAI STEPHY, she thinks she so smart ar? Dumbest statement was, why make his blog public if he don't want spammers? Stupid cow, cbox is meant for commenting -.-'' BRAINLESS PIGS. These people come spamming ppl's cbox when obviously, the trouble doesn't involve them AT ALL. It's between Adrian and Jolynn la. Wtfuck does it involves them? Dah guna bahasa yang tak guna, lagi nak spam spam sial. Yeah, go read my replies. I didn't even use a bad word till that cibai anti come in. Ughh. SPAMMERS SHOULD GET FUCKED BY A DOG AND ROT IN HELL. I did felt like spamming Jolynn's cbox but heck it, waste my precious time ni. My videos are more important to me.

P/S : No harm was intended in this post.

ppppp/s : SAVE EARTH KAYY :)