Last semester is finally over.
No more class, no more lectures, no more assignments, no more reports.
All that's left, internship.
Which lead me to this post of frustration, agitation, annoyance, irritation and whatever, you name it.
I'm disappointed. Not only that, I'm beyond furious of what has bestowed upon my long-awaited holiday.
Excuse you, but I did not go through 3 whole month of hell to enter another one, which so happens to be THE only month I have time to socialize without having the thought of unfinished assignment, a month to rest my mind and just enjoy a little freedom from the past hell of months I've went through.
But it's no surprise now isn't it? Of course I would face more stupidity compared to the past 3 months I've been dealing with. And this stupidity gets even more fun by the second. Dear god, I pray for you to give me strength to fight through this. I really need some strength. I'm tired, mentally, physically, psychologically and I just want to go to bed, with my mind at peace. Is that a very sinful want? Is it?
What have I ever done to be thrown into a dungeon of fury?
People expect and assume that I'm always mad.
Well, do you ever leave me a choice?
I've put up with a LOT. A LOT of people and the craps they throw at my face.
You want me to do this, okay I do. I get the job done, on time and with perfection of my own level.
I crave perfection. You crave perfection. EVERYONE craves perfection.
You expect me to get the job done, I meet up to your expectation(s).
I give up my time, energy and money to meet your expectation(s).
And now, all I ask for as a favour in return is just your humble and modest way of showing me your gratitude for the efforts I have gave you; A guidance. YOUR guidance. That is all.
But apparently turning 20, I need not guidance from you for I, am expected to master everything by myself, to gain knowledge by myself, to guide and educate myself in this world of cruelty and selfishness.
Thus, I seek help from others and yet, they happen to not understand the simple language I speak of.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Should I start speaking in words of Greek to get through your bloody mind? What am I? I am just human, that gets agitated at the SLIGHTEST stupidity when it comes to matters that would affect my life or rather, my future that seems to be in a pretty bad shape at the moment.
I wished I was robot. Maybe then I would understand the language others speak of and will be able to communicate better. But you know the best part of an object? YOU DON'T FEEL. Nothing. You don't cry. You don't punch for there is no fury within you. You don't taste. You don't feel pain. You only malfunction when you are at the very limit of your capacity and then you become just another part of life that has lost its meaning.
Even at this very point, there is no one I can turn my head to, to confide because I refuse to have my burden being another person's burden and I refuse to worry the ones who care. And because even the one person I seek guidance for has turn me down. Really, what more can I do?
Tired. so so very tired.
